You Call It Coffee

I don’t get it. You never took the covers before. You never minded about my snoring, about my restless legs. I peek at you with one eye. Your long hair fans out against my pillow. Your perfumed shampoo claws my nostrils. Do I complain? No.

“Out!” You give me the shout-and-shove. “Your breath stinks,” you say. This is how our mornings go. I don’t usually swear, but you’re a… B. Not the kind that stings, either. Who’s the one who always apologizes first? Me. Who initiates the snuggling? Me. Who licks you, head to toe? And not once have you licked me back. Not once.

I suddenly feel like a shag carpet. Like I’m your carpet and I put up with your shh—nanegans.

Even though I’m mad, I won’t use fowl language. I’m no parakeet.

I do everything for you. You throw the ball. I fetch it. You throw it. I—aha! Almost got sidetracked.

Did it ever occur to you, I’d like to throw the ball for once? That I’d like the whole bed to myself? I’ve got half a nerve to thrust my back legs into your doughy flesh and launch you onto the floor. And your landing wouldn’t be nimble, like mine.

Next time you bark at me and shove me to the floor, I just may take a chomp out of that legbone of yours. I’ve been asking for a new bone for what—a month? I could linger on a femur for days, months, even. I could let myself out through the doggie door, drink from the goldfish pond.

I’d be my own best friend.

I could snap. Snap at that pulsing jugular and tear it like tissue before you take your first sip of that malodorous crud you call coffee.

Written for April’s Zeroflash flash fiction contest. 

9 thoughts on “You Call It Coffee

  1. This is one of my biggest fears with my dog. I love him to bits and I snuggle him and stroke his fur and all the good stuff. But then some innate part of me remembers he’s a dog. I cannot reason with him. While I’m scratching his ear he could just chomp my fingers off and there wouldn’t be anything I could do.

    That is scary, and you put that fear right into me again with this story. And in the beginning I was trying to figure it out and then it got dark really fast! Haha. Love it Kelly 🙂

    Hope your recovery is going well and you’re staying strong.

  2. Kathleen Joyce

    I guess I was supposed to think the dog was evil, but as a dog lover I just chuckled. As the saying goes, What is the one being on earth that loves you more than you love yourself? Your dog. I thought it was cute and funny. I like it! But you know what a “cozy” person I am!

    1. Well…he might turn “evil,” and only if his owner keeps treating him like dirt! Haha! I love how loyal dogs are, how they don’t ever think those things. They always love us. But I thought, what if they changed their minds? What then?

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